Test Taker. Heartbreaker?

Sorry it's been so long! I'll bet you thought I was dead!

I'd probably lose a lot of money on that but just to make sure, I'm writing this blog entry. I just happen to be staring the beast right in the face. I've been craving a cigarette for most of the afternoon and I have a choice, as we often do. I can walk two blocks to the 7-11 and grab a pack, smoke enough to get me through then toss the rest trying to live down the shame and the setback, or I can stay here and resolve to do something about it. I've decided to take one step towards the latter by exposing my struggle on here.

I could have kept this to myself and my journal, but all too often I feel like we give into urges because we tell ourselves we have no choice. Perhaps there are rare cases where we are somehow mystically relieved of free-will, but it's my belief that reality kills 99.9% of one way streets. What is an impulse, then? It's no absolute power, that's for sure. No matter how much you want to believe it, you have a choice. Why are these choices so hard to make, even decipher? Is it because we have a natural appetite for self-destruction? Is it merely because it's so hard to choose between good choices (real or perceived)?

Or is it because of instant gratification? Just as an impulse is a quick decision, it's often related to a quick fix. A cigarette would have made me feel better for a time, but perhaps not even until I'm done with one. Eating makes people feel better for a time, until their stomachs complain, they start to gain weight and their teeth rot. Porn makes lots of people feel better for a few seconds, until they realize that they're still alone in the room and their new best friend only exists behind the screen.

Maybe when we're fighting these urges, it would be good of us to consider the long term, even the medium term. Not only that, but trust ourselves to make the right decision. We almost always fall into doubt that we won't feel as bad this time, or that the next bud light really is going to fix all our problems, but we know that's not true and we have to trust that knowledge. We have to say no, no matter how much I want this, I know exactly where it leads and I'm going to trust myself. Then, we have to take the road less traveled. Even one measly step, lifting your weak foot in that direction will make you see that you've made the right decision. You're stronger now and you're no longer a slave to what you thought you had no power over.