Rule #3: [Lesson] Of The Flies

Earlier this morning I was doing dishes and staring out the window into my neighbor's yard. I'm helping him clear out the jungle it has become and I was admiring our handy work when all of the sudden, some stupid fly crashes directly into the window. Then again. Again. Again. Happening in quicker succession then you can read it, probably. Anyways, you know how that goes. The fly keeps on banging into the window, perhaps relying on that infinitesimal chance that the molecules will align themselves in such a way that he will be able to go right on through. So, the question is:

Stupid insect or genius creature?

My answer is neither. He's certainly not stupid but I wouldn't say he's a genius either. Instead, I would say that he's been given a gift. Call me an idealist, but I would argue, for the sake of the human spirit and a little encouragement, that the fly is not being stupid but persistent. He knows that the odds are against him, he knows what happened last time he tried to get out of a closed window, but he keeps on doing it with the mindset that one day he will indeed make it outdoors and back to his family. If he even has a family. Who knows how a fly's social system is arranged...

A stretch? Perhaps. Maybe the fly really doesn't have any trace of a short-term memory and is just mindlessly throwing himself at the window because he doesn't know any better. Let me remind you, however, that perception is everything and we have no idea what the fly is actually thinking. I implore you to go along with this because I think we can learn something from this fly. Especially in the case of not smoking, no matter how daunting it seems or how awful it feels to curb that craving, you must have faith that one day it's going to be better. Science tells us that after two weeks the cravings will begin to ease up significantly and it won't be so awful. Not only will it not be so bad, but it will be better, too. Your health is constantly improving by you doing nothing about the craving. That's right, by you NOT doing anything, you're improving your quality of life. How awesome is that? Exactly.

So, be strong, friends. Be persistent. Be a fly. Like the fly hitting the window repeatedly, resisting cigarettes may hurt your head and may seem stupid, but soon you will make it outdoors and back to a better life. Trust me.

Keeping The Pace (Second Post In One Day)

First and foremost, pardon me for smothering you.

Arlington has always been my home, but never in the way it has been these past few months. Needless to say, life is much different once you're responsible for your own. Among the many recreational opportunities in our fair town/county, I chose to explore the Pacers' bi-weekly evening fun run.

Fun is an understatement.

I met several characters when I got there and before we set out.

Fiona: Not to be confused with Ms. Fiona Apple, though I did devise a rather unusual way to remember her name involving Norman Rockwell and apple pie. She's one of the leaders of the group.

Janet: The next face I met bore no resemblance to my great aunt but that's not surprising since they are in no way related. She mentioned someone named Justin in passing. Perhaps a significant other?

Ellen: Another leader of the evening fun runs. I didn't learn much about her, besides that she's very nice.

Jeff: A lawyer and ultra runner. I'm not sure any more needs to be said.

Mark: Another lawyer, but I think he's also in the Army. We talked a little more at length after the run. His aunt and uncle live near my parents and he's very social.

Brad: The man. A 54-year-old Navy chaplain. He and I led the pack for the evening. Yes, it was a fun run but we were in front and I'd be denying my human nature if I didn't say I enjoyed that at least a little. Brad is from Minnesota and has a daughter and a son. He kept telling everyone I gave him a run for his money, but it was really the other way around. I was hurting afterwards.

We did a 4.25 mile loop around town and ended up right back where we started for some cold water and socializing. I think I'm going to enjoy doing these runs. I have my brother to thank for encouraging me to get out and try one.

Test Taker. Heartbreaker?

Sorry it's been so long! I'll bet you thought I was dead!

I'd probably lose a lot of money on that but just to make sure, I'm writing this blog entry. I just happen to be staring the beast right in the face. I've been craving a cigarette for most of the afternoon and I have a choice, as we often do. I can walk two blocks to the 7-11 and grab a pack, smoke enough to get me through then toss the rest trying to live down the shame and the setback, or I can stay here and resolve to do something about it. I've decided to take one step towards the latter by exposing my struggle on here.

I could have kept this to myself and my journal, but all too often I feel like we give into urges because we tell ourselves we have no choice. Perhaps there are rare cases where we are somehow mystically relieved of free-will, but it's my belief that reality kills 99.9% of one way streets. What is an impulse, then? It's no absolute power, that's for sure. No matter how much you want to believe it, you have a choice. Why are these choices so hard to make, even decipher? Is it because we have a natural appetite for self-destruction? Is it merely because it's so hard to choose between good choices (real or perceived)?

Or is it because of instant gratification? Just as an impulse is a quick decision, it's often related to a quick fix. A cigarette would have made me feel better for a time, but perhaps not even until I'm done with one. Eating makes people feel better for a time, until their stomachs complain, they start to gain weight and their teeth rot. Porn makes lots of people feel better for a few seconds, until they realize that they're still alone in the room and their new best friend only exists behind the screen.

Maybe when we're fighting these urges, it would be good of us to consider the long term, even the medium term. Not only that, but trust ourselves to make the right decision. We almost always fall into doubt that we won't feel as bad this time, or that the next bud light really is going to fix all our problems, but we know that's not true and we have to trust that knowledge. We have to say no, no matter how much I want this, I know exactly where it leads and I'm going to trust myself. Then, we have to take the road less traveled. Even one measly step, lifting your weak foot in that direction will make you see that you've made the right decision. You're stronger now and you're no longer a slave to what you thought you had no power over.

Rule #2: (Don't) Use Any [Excuse] Necessary

Despite the positive end result, quitting is not all fun and games. Many physical symptoms can accompany withdrawal including fatigue, anxiety, depression, hunger, insomnia, and bowel irregularity. This time around, I've been fighting the latter two and this past Tuesday night I got fed up and caved in. All I wanted was to be asleep before 3am and go to the bathroom like I used to be able to. The only immediate cure for these symptoms seemed to be a cigarette, so I had two on Wednesday morning around 2am. Soon thereafter I had a successful bowel movement and went to sleep. Sure, it was a pleasant couple minutes but it was a big step backwards. As I've learned in my class, I needed to evaluate what happened and why.

If you're anything like me, when you really want something you'll do almost anything to get it. Well Tuesday night, my brain really wanted a cigarette and it was going to manipulate my situation any way it could for an excuse to smoke. This is something we're taught to watch for when quitting. I watched for it, saw it, and let it happen. It all started with stressful family interactions. Conversation in the living room and then it was just me watching TV at 1am, wide awake. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I use alcohol for what's called a "night cap". A glass of wine or a beer sometimes helps me fall asleep. Unfortunately, my brain had more in mind than sleep. I was going to drink a glass of wine which would inhibit my judgement just enough so that I couldn't be blamed for smoking. Sure enough, I had my wine and then felt little remorse in digging my cigarettes out of the trash and smoking two.

All this to say, if you're quitting or thinking about it, be wary of making excuses. They sound so good but you and I both know they're not. You can do this.

Rule #1: Don't Think About It

This morning at 10am I celebrated 48 hours smoke-free...with a bowl of cereal...ok, it wasn't a real celebration but I have been smoke-free for almost 60 hours now. From this and past experiences I've figured out that one of the cardinal rules of quitting is to not think about quitting. Don't just put smoking out of your mind, put not smoking out of your mind, too. Thinking about either of these things still eventually leads to thinking about smoking, a craving, a caving, and a smoke. Ok, you deserve a little more credit than that, but let's try not to take any chances we don't have to.

So when you start to think about smoking, the correct course of action is to completely switch gears. It doesn't happen magically but you want to get to some other thought train as soon as you can change your ticket. When I'm confronted with smoking thoughts I'll try and think about FIFA 2010 and how my team isn't doing so well mid-season or what errands I need to run or what I could be doing around the house. If you're already busy, it's easy to just return your thoughts to the task at hand.

The human brain is a powerful thing. Don't let the enemy use your own weapon against you.

Man vs. Cigarette

Look! I wrote a haiku about Boston.

In the summer,

Boston is very nice.

The trees sway.

I even looked up haiku online and followed the rules. I forget what they are now but trust me, I followed them. Yes, the middle line only has 6 syllables but one of them counts as 2 or something. Ah well, i hope you enjoyed it!

In other news, I thought it would be good to follow up on my last entry so I'm not just blowing smoke everywhere. In fact, I haven't blown any smoke since yesterday morning at 10am. This new leaf could be for real and it has included a last effort to quit smoking for good. In the spirit of this effort, I signed up for a class at Arlington Hospital called "Quit for Good". It meets tonight and I'm awfully excited. I've also rearranged my room, started sleeping in a different bed, and moved my playstation into my room. Instead of eating breakfast in front of the TV, I've resolved to start enjoying my morning meal on the back porch. I've also made an effort to make my room a little more like a semi-permanent living space as it seems like I won't be going anywhere terribly soon.

All this to say, I'm following through. For those of you in my situation, be encouraged. Depression and smoking are both things that can be overcome and I hope I can show you that. I'm going to start blogging about things and hopefully this will be helpful.

The End of Lady-Scented Bodywash

Good Morrow Blog Followers,

Turns out I don't even use body wash. I'm still a bar-soap man. But if you haven't already, you should watch the new old spice commercial (http://www.youtube.com/user/oldspice?v=uLTIowBF0kE&feature=pyv&ad=5066079497&kw=old%20spice&gclid=CNG9vPzm46ICFclL5QodxT8sUw) and tell me how he gets those jeans on!

No, the title of this entry is just a metaphor. Today, I was in the backyard having a smoke and the U2 song "Where The Streets Have No Name" came up on my internal jukebox. The line that says "I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside" kept repeating and suddenly, I felt inspired. The last two weeks of my life have been some of the worst weeks of the past two years, and it's been because of these walls that have been holding me inside of my own head (I know this is getting sentimental, but bear with me). I looked around me at all the butts I'd carelessly tossed into the yard in my parents' absence and I realized I had to make a change. They were all wet and burnt out and that's exactly how I've been feeling. The hardest part about being depressed is how it traps you inside. All you can think about is yourself and how depressed you are. As a consequence, anything that seems like it may be a strain on your already exhausted psyche goes straight out the window. This becomes a problem when the only things that will make you feel better are just that. I know that running makes me feel better, but that involves putting on shorts and exerting myself. Sounds simple, but I was lower than low. I've maybe showered 4 times and have spent most of my time half-dressed or less inside this house.

Anyways, the running was just an example of how short-sighted depression can make you. All that being said, I'd like to think that life is more than just feeling good. Being depressed, you can do things that make you feel good but that doesn't make life better. It has to be more than feeling good, there has to be something else. It's the difference between drinking until your face goes numb and cleaning the kitchen to your favorite tunes; between smoking a cigarette and doing tai chi; between eating half a carton of ice cream and going for a jog. All this things can make someone feel good, but to what end? It's thrown up a cautionary flag for me. Be careful of today's "live in the moment" society. Sure, it's a good idea, but it can't be taken too far. There isn't always going to be a quick return or instant gratification, no matter how much we want it. Smoking isn't going to instantly implode my lungs the same way taking a jog isn't going to instantly give me the calves of a donkey. These things take time and investing in the future is something I think often slips our collective consciousness. And depression (to bring this full circle) certainly shortens our sight. So today I'm resolving to break down the walls that block my vision of the future. I never thought I'd take the words of Bono to mean anything, and this sounds super cheesy, I know; but you know it's true ;-)